Kim Scott - You May Be Sabotaging Your Relationships Without Even Knowing It (#95)

Introduction to guest:

Kim Scott is a well known CEO coach in Silicon Valley.

She’s co-founded two companies that help organizations put the ideas from her books into practice. Her books are:

Radical Candor: How to Get What You Want by Saying What You Mean

And

She had previously held leadership roles at Apple and Google, and was a CEO coach at Dropbox, Qualtrics, Twitter, and other tech companies.

Hundreds of thousands have listened to her talks worldwide and she joins us today to talk about how you can improve the quality of your team’s results, and your relationships, no matter what your role in that team or relationship is.

See the show notes below for topics discussed.

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More from Kim:

Website: kimmalonescott.com

Key quotes and takeaways from the show:

Bias: An unknown/unintentional prejudice for or against a person or group, especially in a way considered to be unfair.

Prejudice: A known/conscious belief that results in prejudice for or against a person or group, especially in a way considered to be unfair.

Bullying: Meaning to cause harm to someone else or a group of people.

Bias: Use an “I” statement.

Prejudice: Use an “It” statement.

Bullying: Use a “You” statement. Alternatives: “What’s going on with you?” “Are you okay?” Or, a total state changer like, “where did you get that shirt?” Asking questions takes you out of the submissive role.

Switch seats to change the dynamic in a room.

“We can’t fix problems we are not aware of (or refuse to be aware of).”

An example of ableist language: “sloppy sight metaphors”: using the word “see” instead of “be aware of”.

Be patient and persistent with ourselves by proactively searching for biases.

“As the person harmed, I have a choice to respond. As a leader, I must respond.”

A bully tries to make you feel sad, why would you tell them they’ve succeeded?

We all need to forgive ourselves. In the moment, you often know that something is wrong but you don’t know how to categorise it. That’s okay!

Speaking up helps release mental baggage.

Radical Candor: caring personally and challenging directly.

Ruinous empathy: Not telling someone something because we don’t want to hurt their feelings, even though it would be better for them to know it.

Manipulative insincerity: Not telling someone something because we think it will harm our position.

Obnoxious aggression: Challenging directly without showing we care personally.

For radical candor (compassionate candor), start by stating that your intention is to be helpful.

“Is this important for the other person to know or does it just bug me?”

The best thing that leaders can do to promote just work is disrupt bias (bias disruptors).

Humans are pattern makers but we are not helpless victims to our patterns, we can change them.

Bias disruptors:

Shared vocabulary: e.g. “purple flag”, “Yo” or “I don’t think you meant that the way that it sounded.”
Shared norm on how to respond: e.g. “Thank you for pointing that out, I get it (or don’t get it).”
Shared commitment to disrupt bias in every meeting.

It takes time to write a good code of conduct.

Bullying works for the individual but it harms the team’s ability to collaborate. Eradicating bullying (to improve collaboration) is arguably one of the most important tasks for a leader/manager. “As human beings, there’s nothing we can’t accomplish when we collaborate.”

Good comedy kicks up, not down.

Comedy helps us notice unconscious bias.